Struggle Within
by Ryu Gunslinger
Summary: When an tragic incident of ten years ago haunts Tails, the fox must struggle to find a way to cope with the sadness that has grasped his heart for so long.
1. Mellow Heart

A dream... the place is dark, metal constructed, like an underground military facility, but something's different, there is something amiss. I don't know what, but there is a feeling of fear, paranoia fills us, even on this mission to take out the diabolical Dr. Robotnik's, or Eggman, as we call him, device. We are still in communication, keeping track of our movements, everything goes smoothly, but someone then claims they hear a voice, a deep mocking voice, and a choir, high tone voices singing in a sound so exotic, so innocent, but it seems like a trap.  
  
I suggest cutting communications, in order to seal off the sound, but Sally disapproves. I disobey and do so at my own will, knowing if there is a danger, it must be avoided. Doing so, the horror begins, my team starts turning on one another, panting, screaming in pain.  
  
"What are they doing, physically that is?" The Dr. asked, jotting down the information like a stenographer in the courtroom, recording every word that is heard from each of the speakers.  
  
"Eyes closed, they kneel to the ground. Holding their heads, they stand, screaming 'get out of my head' before they each open their eyes, bloodshot eyes... They cringe, and glance at one another, and in an instant, they begin to shoot one another. I back away in horror, as each one of them kills... I hear the voice and pushing each of the buttons, trying to tune it out... an overlander, a female with blond hair, sea blue eyes, and a pure as silk white nightgown floats in midair before me, her face in the age of a young adult girl, beckoning me to come forth. I randomly in spit of fear pound a sequence of keys, I can't remember them well, but I know I somehow am able to tune her out." He said hoarsely, taking numerous amounts of deep breaths.  
  
"The female, was she skinny, plump-"  
  
"A goddess, glowing with heavens light, she was perhaps a dream girl any human would fall for, giving in to her every command, bowing before her. She is though a deceiver, her beauty only a cloak to shade the foulness that shows her true motive, of death, of torment, of chaos... " Tails continued, trying to remain calm, but his paced gasps revealed his fear, desperate to try and get it out of him, his eyes already in tears.  
  
"Hmm, very interesting, and how long ago was this... it seems more like an incident from you past, judging by your time period?"  
  
"Eight years ago, I was ten years old, and back then, I was growing up into a man." He replied, slowly soothing down, his panting becoming less intense and his eyes no longer watery.  
  
"And what is it that terrifies you the most?" The doctor asked, glancing poker faced to the fox.  
  
"I lost friends, when I went to the battle point, I was placed in charged of a soldier battalion; it was to test my own skills in leadership. Sally said I had the characteristics of a leader, and that I could become better with practice. I was also in charge of creating a device that would help protect us from the effects, from the signal that machine emitted, to make us immune. It wasn't tested, and we had no time, Eggman was planning to make it mobile, and we had little choice to even delay the attack. We had no choice, making haste, Sally explained the plans, and how to attack, but I warned the invention wasn't tested, even if the signal could be thrown into disarray, we still had the threat of the mental waves. That was when the prelude to the massacre, the slaughter that was my nightmare." Tails said, trying once more to hold back his tears.  
  
"Hmm, what exactly type of device did you create?"  
  
"A F.I.H., a Frequency Immunizing Headset, built to give us a resistant from the sound waves emanated from the weapon we had codenamed BESERKER. I spent hours building it, piece by piece, and imputing a communicator to communicate in the case that the machine also had an effect on technology. I only had a few hours to test the functions, before the emergency came up, and we started off. Given only a brief time, I told them to put it in a mono-barrier, and head to di-barrier if anything strange occurred. It seemed even after, there were a few instances, and max level didn't cut it off, I chose to cut off communications." He went silent not wanting to explain the rest.  
  
"Hmm, you seem still to feel guilt over this, you can't get over the guilt that your friends died because of your own actions, from what I can see." The Dr. stated, writing more bits and pieces of info onto his paper.  
  
"It literally forced me into a mental house, I tried to kill myself, and did so much that they decided I needed mental help. I was there for two years, before I finally was categorized as sane. Amy was the only one who greeted me, just when I walked out of that place." Tails said with a sigh, his tone on a normal speaking tone.  
  
"You seem calmer, did anything happen at that area?"  
  
"If you mean in terms of abuse, I would say you watch too many movies, I wasn't given any type of treatment that would be considered unfair, those days were more of a time of trying to help me calm down, never to endanger me." Tails replied harshly, easily he was sick of the idea of ever being asked about that.  
  
"Sorry, just for terms, remember, I am a certified psychologist." He stated pointing over to the walls where his degrees of many were hung, around a total of fifteen by the count Tails could make out.  
  
"That's why I am here; I don't why it is all now coming back, why now, why at this time?" Tails replied confused by it all.  
  
"You said you forget, yet when it comes back, the idea seems to weaken you, bring you to your knees sort to speak. Tell me, is this all that you fear, is there something you're not telling me?" The Dr. asked once more.  
  
"No Dr. Clayborne, not at all." Tails replied, showing a serious face.  
  
Deep inside, he knew it was a lie, someone did survive, and for the past few years they were responsible for several hundred murders, and the suspect was at large. Tails though never wanted to think of it, that scene, that day, it all was nothing but a bad dream, it was a memory he for so long just wished would vanish. Since that day, it was hard to get back to his normal life, right now, being eighteen; he worked as a stocker, restocking areas of the mall during the early hours, and late afternoons.  
  
"For now, I will say you should try to focus on something else, try and get your mind off it, but your case is one that I feel you must confront, but that area you speak of... I don't what to say, not one person has returned themselves after visiting that place, and I doubt you should go back." The Dr. suggested shaking his head.  
  
"I never want to, that place is not a place I want to ever return to, that place is a grave that my friends are in, and visits are not taken lightly at all." He replied sighing.  
  
"I hope so, still, to think you were a survivor isn't to hard to believe, your record does state that you indeed were involved with the mission to prevent it from becoming transportable, but yet, you said the mission was a failure, how can it be when the thing is now stranded in that area?" The doctor asked, standing to his feet, but still eager for the story.  
  
"As long as a device like that still exists, then this world is in danger of its effects..." He stated, walking out the door.  
  
Tails shook his head, taking a deep breath.  
  
How could any fool even understand the mission?  
  
Around seventy-five percent of the public believes what the media says.  
  
The military though had to have played a role in the printed story, why else would the media have been censored, why they would have stated that the Freedom Fighters sacrificed their lives for the prevention of the catastrophic invention known only as BESERKER.  
  
He only glanced to the ground, lost in though as he walked through the ever so boring hallway, even with the pictures of landscapes or of Chao, he didn't care much for either. No matter what he looked at, he felt no opinion, life to him was worthless, and yet he lived. Why didn't he just take a knife, and stab himself through the heart, and end his pitiful misery, end this suffering. Even a handgun would do a good deed if it took his meaningless life, a quicker one then a stab at the best.  
  
"So how did things go?" Amy asked, standing to her feet, arms cupped along her stomach, as she wore a casual skirt, a bright Christmas red as usual, with the white aligning on it.  
  
She had matured, blossoming into a full grown hedgehog, her beauty still the same as Tails had seen when he was still ten years old. Her face retained its still caring and charming looks, the smile and innocent eyes, she still seemed like the girl from ten years. Amy had a career though, she had done fashions for a time, but she was taking time off whenever Tails had went into this state.  
  
The fox had gone through a lot for a kid his age, in her view, he was traumatized by his friends own murders. She always tried to cheer him up, the only way she knew how, by being there for him in times of need. That time was now, and Tails to her was a friend she lost, and wanted him back.  
  
"I feel no relief, all I feel is despair, pain, and torment, the day I still regret ever becoming a leader." He spoke sadly.  
  
"Can't you think positive, like you did all those years ago?" Amy pleaded, hating to him be so cold.  
  
"Those years died, just like a women's virginity when her hymen is broken. I guess if you died, I would have no reason to live." He replied, walking outside, Amy following closely behind, the two leaving the air conditioned office, entering the downtown streets of Station Square, the evening sun bathing the western sides of the skyscrapers, the gleaming shines easily turning the west side into an area of gold.  
  
The city already was busy with people getting off work, the traffic already starting up, as the sound of cars waiting in a fashionable order, horns blaring from the impatient drivers. Amy, being as wealthy as she was, had her own limousine, white, with a red leather seating. To Tails, something so great was not anything to him. What was wealth, was it the ability to spend so much money, or was it the ability to make one look so great that the public fell in love with them.  
  
What is fame worth?  
  
Why could someone enjoy being bothered by fans and the media for so long?  
  
Do those people even have a life?  
  
Tails only looked at each of them like fools, but he didn't consider Amy a fool, she was a girl following her dreams, becoming a model for clothing, maybe not for the people of Station Square, but for most of the mobians of this planet.  
  
"Want some Grand Cola?" She asked, holding a bottle out near him.  
  
"No thanks, I'd rather have a drink of vodka, but the last time I drank, I almost got myself killed." Tails answered feeling ashamed.  
  
He never did have a good experience when it came to drinking. The first time at a party, he got so drunk that he babbled on about his agony, really making himself a fool. Amy, who had chosen to bring him there was the one who forced him to leave, and brought him back to her place. After waking up with a big hangover, and with a more irritated Amy, he decided to never try and drink so much again, at least not more then a glass, only a small amount.  
  
Amy though told him of how he acted, but she didn't yell at him, she told him with the same tone that she used most of the time. Tails though didn't plan to drink so often, maybe a glass on holidays, but never to often, he felt he would only make a scene and make people miserable. He was though mocked by many who were at the party, most telling him if his life sucked so much, he should just kill himself. Tails only gave one response, the middle finger, easily stating his point 'Fuck You' to those who seemed to find pleasure in degrading others.  
  
"So are you still a stock boy for the mall?" Amy questioned, trying to move on to another subject.  
  
"Yeah, it is repetitive, especially during the holidays, the one with all the gift giving." He answered, with a deep sigh.  
  
"Stressful?"  
  
"Not too often, until someone allergic to my fur comes in, then I am told to take a break for a while." Tails stated, shaking his head.  
  
He did hate it when his fur caused allergies in people, even with medicines that were able to prevent them, there were some who didn't want to take them, and they wanted to just live their life without them. Still, the fox always went to work, wearing the uniform he was given, and did his job to the fullest. He did, however, have problems with a boss by the name of Mike. The guy was a moron, literally. Tails did try to be proper, but being forced to say please so often just to get a break was tiring. The idiot talked more about his life in the ghetto, and how he knew psychology.  
  
Mike, in truth possessed little knowledge in the field, cause whenever Tails asked him about the subject, the guy made an excuse, and never got back to it. Tails already back-talked him on several occasions, the first was when he kept bitching to Tails to keep pushing Tails to get one store stocked, and as Tails loaded the cart, the fuck came up and told him to put the shop on hold and take care of another area. To top it off, the bastard threatened to fire Tails if the fox didn't get the job done in an hour.  
  
Tails was fed up with it, the guy had kept pushing and pushing, stating his way or the highway, making snappy remarks towards Tails, and when he was given the taste of his own medicine, he literally told the fox that if he didn't shape up, he would fire him. For the fox, this was the last straw, he worked his ass off each day for this fuck of a boss, and what did the son of a bitch give him, more mouth, and less respect then he gave the other workers.  
  
Tails already felt the anger boiling up; he picked up a nearby box on the shelf, and threw it on the ground with the strength he had, which was pretty decent when you work as a stocker, lifting heavy boxes. As the box hit the floor, the sound of glass shattering was the one sound that easily made the boss jump. The fox panted, glaring with a fed up expression on his face. The boss only glanced back shocked, shaking his head.  
  
Like any moron, Mike flipped out, shouting at Tails with a tone that the fox could care less for. As much as it was a pain, the moron was fired when he made a racist statement to one of the employee's, fired right on the spot, and dragged outside by security. Outside he was literally beaten to death by a few offended people who take things never so lightly beat the living shit out of him. No sorrow or amusement did the fox the feel when he overheard this, he didn't care about what happened to the moron, he wasn't god, he wasn't his friend, he was just a man who was raised and obviously one-track minded when it came to dealing with people like Tails.  
  
"I guess without that boss, things are clearing up huh?"  
  
"Kinda, but the new boss isn't such a moron." He replied, sighing deeply.  
  
The traffic finally started moving, the limo finally advancing forth, slowly was it heading to where the two stayed. Tails glanced to the side, finding people walking home, streetlights finally were on, activating one to another, the street side restaurants remained open, people sitting near the windows, waiting for their food to be prepared. Tails only wondered the same questions that he thought of but never did search for clear answers.  
  
Why people were always biased?  
  
What was the big deal with image?  
  
Was it just something that everyone was so concerned with that they went as far as plastic surgery just to keep their youthful face? People categorize so much, divided themselves among groups, each fighting one another for a cause that was meaningless. Humans already showed most of the terror, as data dating back to two millenniums ago when certain people formed a racist group, and praised hatred against people who chose paths that were not theirs.  
  
Why did people hate one another, was it fear, was it just what they were taught, or was it something in the past that they used for an excuse?  
  
With every new life, there was only one new path, one new profile, one new story. Perceptions of one was but a million, right and wrong is judged by morals, it what the person takes as true, their path is what they make of it. What they feel is only what they judge, biased by their own rules, it what made one a mortal. The mind always had an understanding only by what they learned when they are young.  
  
He glanced to the sky, the stars now dotting the sky. The moon a crescent that gave a dim light that separated darkness from the night. Darkness was indeed what Robotropolis was, a place surrounded by clouds, not a ray of the sun, nor a ray of the moon shined through the thick layers that were high in the sky. Those clouds were but one of the symbolic features that showed the ill omen the late doctor once showed.  
  
Late indeed, for he created a machine so powerful, so deadly, that he himself was driven into insanity by its effect, his own device drove him to end his existence among the living. He had been driven perhaps to a extent of insanity, a limit perhaps no mind could ever withstand, one so strong that mortals were meant never to even possess.  
  
As Pandora's Box was never meant to be open, BESERKER was never meant to be created. Insane he was, but when he created such a machine, was it for his own benefit, did he consider what effects it would have on him? So many things Tails only pondered, but never did he have the will to even search for such an answer.  
  
The limo halted to a stop, Tails looked out the tinted windows that concealed all inside. He noticed where they were, an apartment, expensive, and suited for those of wealth. Amy lived here, and she allowed Tails to stay with her as a roommate. Tails had no idea why he chose to live with her, was it love that bounded to go with her, was it pity, or was it his own choice, out of friendship, that he chose to live with her.  
  
Amy, he never did so often see her, she was busy with shows, fashioning off clothing, it was her hobby, he wish, to model clothing, to be pictured throughout cities, on billboards, on TV, and she wanted this job for the cloths. Young girls who played dress-ups, that it what Amy did when she was young, always try on cloths, mostly any she could find around the village. While Sally and Bunnie hated her using their cloths, they didn't pressure her as she was a young girl still trying to enjoy life.  
  
As he stepped out, following closely behind Amy, the two walked through the ever repetitive hallways, the same way he had every day when he returned. Walking into the elevator, Amy pressed the third floor button, the elevator ascending up to the third floor, a ding sound alerting them of the new floor they were on. Their room now only a few seconds away, door number forty-five, as well the room.  
  
"Home sweet home." Amy mentioned, cheerful as she always was.  
  
Tails walked inside, he somehow always went home, but he never felt as happy. He felt more like a character from one of his cartoons, one who felt more bored with the world, bored with his town, as said in the pilot episode, 'Nothing special ever happens here'. He never did wish to actually have the life most lived, even for adventure. Sonic and he had enough of an adventure for just one lifetime.  
  
Walking into the kitchen, he opened the near empty fridge; he never did eat too much. Amy though was also very strict with her diet, feeling if she ate too much food, she would turn plump. Tails really caught on with this, worrying what would happen when the modeling agents turned her down. He heard many stories of how most turned to crack just to keep their weight, lose a few pounds instantly.  
  
His biggest was eating disorders, what if Amy went to eating it all up for the nutrients, then vomiting it all up. Tails shivered at the thought, he hated to think of the disorder, and he didn't know the name ever to well. Yet he did know of what the victims who died because of it did, the stomach acids nearly tore up their throat each time they threw up. All that acid would do is tear away at the throat of the victim, and made their throat more vulnerable.  
  
The throat would grow weaker, and eventually death would come from the result. So many stories he heard of this disorder, and how he feared what lengths Amy would go to just to keep her career. It worried him deeply, she was so happy with her life, and to be pressured by so many to lose weight, just for the show. So many became corrupt because of pressure, who wouldn't, it was nature that people fall to something.  
  
Those who lost a job or a family turned to alcohol or drugs. People who had a stressful job turned to cigarettes. It was a cycle that many followed; they used processed products that were put to waste. Trays filled with the ashes of the buds people smoked, inhaled and burnt to a certain point.  
  
Tails never turned to any, mostly for Amy. He once was about to smoke one, as he was on break, and outside of work. Amy had come for a surprise visit, knowing when he took his breaks, and barging in on his break, she spotting him about to light up a cigarette. Shouting loudly, the fox jumped, dropping the cigarette, as Amy glanced to him with disappointment, and told him the harms. She then asked him to promise never to smoke or turn to anything abusive for relief. Tails had no choice, Amy had given him so much, she had stood by him for so long, supported him in times of despair. He agreed with a stern and still saddened reply.  
  
The fox didn't want to disappoint her at all. She was his only friend, the only one he ever could turn to. He couldn't betray her, never.  
  
A promise to those with fate is a contract that cannot be broken, but to those who take their faith for granted, it wasn't always a serious idea.  
  
Many though never did stand by it deeply, they only choose it for a belief, but never did focus on it, only partly by one day visits to a sanctuary where they worshiped their being with songs of prayers.  
  
He grasped a can of his sour Lime Soda, mostly as the bitterness to him was nectar of taste. Some liked the sweeter things in life, sugar coated mostly, or chocolate, with its ever so loving taste. The taste of food fresh some always had to have, others not caring how their food was, and accepted it how it was. Tails didn't care anymore, he only ate what was given, he never did want anything to hot or cold. Acceptance with the way it was, how he always seemed to like it.  
  
Walking to the TV area, he looked to where Amy was, as usual watching the weather. He glanced over, seeing the female weather reporter, as he smiled, seeing the rain forecasted for the next days. He strolled to his room, knowing he needed some sleep.  
  
"Will the nightmares happen tonight, or will something different occur?"  
  
Dreams, their meaning unknown, enigma as the eye could ever see. Some were a sign of guilt that repeated its scenes, giving a feeling of evil. Tails dreamed odd things, but recently, his dreams were altered in how things went on, some ended when he did.  
  
The scene was the same within the area of BESERKER, the device known only for pure insanity. The area sent chills through Tails; it was not to easy to even face such a device. So many had died on that day, and Tails was only one of the last Freedom Fighters to escape. The other was out there, somewhere, reeking havoc along the land. It undeniable that the survivor would eventually go for Tails, it was fate that would play the role in it.  
  
Laying down on his bed, he glanced up to the ceiling, slowly feeling drowsy, as his eyelids shut. He only hoped he would not have to experience another nightmare again. Not tonight, he wanted to forget it, he wanted to go to work, and not have to ponder on the images he always had within his head.  
  
***  
  
Deep in the forest, in the nocturnal of night, the leaves a full bloomed green, that shaded the forest with darkness. Murder though recently occurred, the body of a slaughtered duck laid torn on the ground, stabbed around the heart. An arm ripped from its socket, its feathers plucked from the wing. Near a tree where a figure was standing, he finished the arm off, eating it raw. Throwing it away, the skunk panted, his hand over his heart as he took every deep breath.  
  
"WHY!!" He shouted, his hands slowly moving up to grasp his head.  
  
Silence, not one voice replied from the woods. Was he speaking to someone around, was he seeing a spirit, or was it something that even some couldn't explain.  
  
"Pain... PAIN... Why must I feel pain... ?" He asked, shivering in disgust, his eyes bloodshot, his breath dry as he took each rasping gasp.  
  
Still nothing answered, but there was something speaking, something nobody would hear, a case that some claims is a result of a disorder. A voice inside his head.  
  
Mocking him...  
  
Degrading him...  
  
Corrupting his every will...  
  
He could not resist, for it was relentless in its speech, never did he sleep without waking up to its shrill tone. Yet was that all that there was, couldn't someone just ignore it? It depended on the person, but for Geoffrey St. John, the victim that now faced this danger, it was unbearable to even avoid.  
  
"Damn you... DAMN YOU TO HELL!!" He cried out, screaming in pain, he curled up, shaking in form the effects.  
  
His eyes shut tightly, as he whimpered, wishing the pain would stop, wishing it would go away. Begging sometimes could get a few people far, but for him, it was hopeless, utterly hopeless.  
  
**************************************************************************** **********  
  
Rain, beads of water that pour down form the sky, tapping the roof with rapid pats of a soothing sound, a sound that only ocean waves could ever equal. Raindrops. inner peace for me and perhaps the one thing that relief's my mellow heart that seems to always control my choices. The droplets of rain, the shape they have, it beckons a memory to be remembered, a will, a reason, the reason why I live.  
  
Next Chapter: Pitter Patter of the Raindrops. 


	2. Pitter Patter of the Raindrops

Beats of drops pounded against the windows, the ripples of water washed over the glass. The raindrops, peaceful and calm, relaxing to those who love silence, not the loud pitches of volume to a TV, not the loud bass of music, not the cries of people, and not the bickering of humans.  
  
Only the soft gentle sounds of nature.  
  
Raindrops, beads of water that always soothed the mental mind of the two tailed fox who everyone referred to as Tails.  
  
***  
  
Raindrops, the harmony it plays when the droplets touch the solid surface of the roof even the sound of an orchestra cannot equal.  
  
A lullaby it is at night and a quiet of several rapid taps a second that calm my heart and my inner mind.  
  
Tranquility that runs through my mind I feel no pain, no guilt, no sorrow; but these raindrops are dear to me in some way an image of something long forgotten.  
  
The sound is pure, but the images of the drops bring sadness.  
  
What do they mean?  
  
What could I be forgetting?  
  
Questions I ask I get no reply my mind blank of images, but my heart swears it is true.  
  
Emotion of confusion fills my mind I know there is a connection of the raindrops and of something else I don't know what, but it is the mind.  
  
Short and long term memory both have one thing in common. To be at times forgotten but at another second they snap into view.  
  
Just what is it that the raindrops are representing?  
  
***  
  
Tails worked in a mall a place for girls who loved to shop, people looking for gifts in a short walk, and to get a quick meal at the same time. To some it was a beauty, the buzz of the chatter that never died til the place was closed. Tails had only seen light when he first started working there but after weeks of working there the bright sunshine place died and a repetitive world consumed the light that sparked most of the place. Tails though ignored it as not much did impress him these days only a poetry and television.  
  
Tails only worked, he took only a few minutes pause, and a lunch break before heading back to work. He never did enjoy it, but who did. People hated their jobs, literally. They wanted to just get through the day, and go home to relax, what else was there when everyday was it the same old thing, the repetitive day of hell.  
  
The rain poured rapidly against the windows, the water drenching the dome windows above. Tails didn't feel no boredom on this day, he felt at peace. The raindrops; the calmness that helped him keep control, the sound that relieved all misery he had or had it.  
  
Tails strolled along the mildly crowded day while it was a weekend, it should have been more crowded with the rain that showered down on the city called Station Square. On break was the only time Tails had to at least go to the other man who perhaps truly understood him an old age jazz player whose sad mellow tunes truly represented the foxboy's suffering heart.  
  
The smooth and near flawless notes the musician struck, the tone of the blues as the guys had called it. A man dressed in an old time style, a checkered collard shirt, old dark blue jeans, brown loafer shoes, and the ever so gold aligned sunglasses. His gray beard down to his abs, and his head bald, his skin a dark brown, and wrinkled. Tails walked over, throwing a few coins into the hat, the musician stopped, cracking a welcoming smile.  
  
"Good to see you again two tailed." He remarked in good humor.  
  
"Jazzman Charlie always playing the blues day and night no matter what the weather is like." Tails replied taking a seat next to him as taking a deep sigh.  
  
"So what's on your mind fox, you ain't so mellow today." Charlie replied glancing pokerfaced to the fox.  
  
"Rain. I don't know what it is. but I feel relaxed whenever I here the rapid beating of the drops."  
  
"You sound it, but your eyes sparkle with a feeling of wanting answers." Charlie said Tails sighing, closing his eyes and nodded in an answer.  
  
"I don't know what it is, but I feel a small ounce of sadness. Even if rain in movies is shown after a scene, it is only for screen play. This feeling is different, but I don't know what." The fox replied glancing to the ground in misery.  
  
"Maybe it is something that is an answer of your will to live. Were both alike see, we have the blues swimming in our minds, dwelling for a long time. I express it through music, the main reason I live is to get my music out and inspire others to continue the blues. You though. you find it by poetry, if I am correct?" Charlie asked looking down at the fox.  
  
"I know that, but the blues are not what this guilt is, the only time I feel any sort of emotion that is not mellow is when I hear the sound of raindrops. There must be another meaning to it, this emotion. It makes me feel. guilt. " He mentioned, his voice trialing off, his feelings of guilt for something, or at least something that had recently popped in his mind.  
  
"Guilt? Are you sure that is what it is. I always see the eyes of despair and suffering, you want to end your life, but you're held back. Are you sure it is guilt or fear?" Charlie questioned once more.  
  
Tails couldn't answer him; he didn't know how to reply. He only felt it was guilt, but was it guilt?  
  
What was this lump in his heart that called out to him mentally when the tears of the sky fell to the earth?  
  
Tails didn't know what to make of it, but this sentiment was familiar, all too familiar to be exact.  
  
A visit to the psychiatrist could perhaps solve his problem.  
  
***  
  
"Hmm, let me get this straight, these raindrops have so far calmed you down each time you hear them?" Dr. Clayborne asked, hearing this from the fox.  
  
"Every time my heart goes calm, but deep down, something seems to try to shout something, to get my attention, yet when I have ignored it for the time being." Tails replied calmly.  
  
"A inner thought that you wish to remember?" He asked questioning things as always.  
  
"The mind always wants answers this feeling is one of guilt and a fear that I have long forgotten yet still have a piece that can perhaps calls all the other puzzle pieces together." Tails replied still not planning on getting on the topic.  
  
"Do you remember when this feeling developed?"  
  
"Sometime around four years ago. I don't know when, but it deals with someone."  
  
"Hmm what is it towards, a person? A pet? A fictional character?" He inquired Tails shaking his head.  
  
"Well this may be off this topic, but was there someone else that suffered the same loss that you had not in terms of guilt that you were responsible, but someone who was deeply saddened by their deaths?" He asked as Tails thought back.  
  
The pieces started to fit together; it was starting to make sense. The one he had known for so long, the one he lived with, the one that visited him when he was in mental therapy.  
  
"Amy, Amy Rose is the one that I feel the sadness for." He said, the clouds that once blocked all memory of the raindrops appeared in a now bright clear sky, "I don't want to make Amy suffer I don't want to make her cry. I want her to be as she is bright and cheerful never sad and miserable."  
  
Tails now knew why the raindrops reminded him of this. The tears Amy shed each time she visited him in the hospital were from how stressed out she was over the Freedom Fighters deaths, but also for Tails. She was at loss those so dear to her were gone and Tails was now so miserable over the incident that he wanted to end it all.  
  
"She has stood by me for so long; she was there for me when I needed her. I never noticed her; all I could focus on was that I was responsible for death. If only there was a way I could repay her a way to make it up to her." He muttered with a despaired voice.  
  
"I think Amy is thankful enough that you're still alive. Even if you have changed, she still sees you as the fox she grew up with. I think you both are at good terms if anything." Clayborne noted, with a sigh of relief.  
  
"I guess, but now... I feel more at ease, reborn. I think I should go back home, and spend the night with Amy. For once, I think we both could sit at the table, and enjoy our meals." Tails replied standing to his feet as he walked out towards the door.  
  
***  
  
"You called me in ma'am?" Amy asked sitting comfortably in the seat legs crossed and hands on the arms of the chair.  
  
"Yes... Amy, I'm afraid we have to let you go, you're not fit anymore to be a star model." The female replied without any emotion whatsoever to the female hedgehog.  
  
"I'm fired?"  
  
"In terms of a job, yes, your just not fit to be in our line up anymore, with the larger gut, the unsuccessful line of sales drop in your fashioning line, well. were letting you go."  
  
Amy only could feel a shatter; everything she had lived for and acknowledged was in one meeting was ripped from her.  
  
Her once glorious life was now only a memory.  
  
She had no will to go on with the loss of so many of her friends and Tails nothing more then a deadbeat that only viewed life as a waste.  
  
Walking out with her head to the floor she made up her mind to end her own life.  
  
***  
  
Tails had opened the door walking inside with a more relieved grin on his face. For once in his life did he actually feel more cheerful then he did feel down.  
  
Heading to the kitchen he found only a sight of disgust when he spotted Amy holding a knife in her right hand and slowly levitating it with her right hand bringing it down to her wrist.  
  
"AMY DON'T!"  
  
"Keep back Tails there is no reason to stop me." She replied bitterly.  
  
"Why? Just over a job? Even I had the worst experience and here I stand. Amy, please, for god's sake, don't do this!" Tails pleaded, with tears in his eyes.  
  
"Hmph, you wouldn't understand at all. I don't do anything else right at all modeling was the only thing I was good at and now I am jobless. Why would you care even if I was gone since all you care about is yourself?" She snapped back.  
  
"If I was that self-centered, then I would have killed myself years ago. Amy I do care for you I just never go around to expressing it myself. I may not understand your pain, but I do understand that you feel frightened you don't know what to do so you choose this option. I live out of guilt for you Amy because I love you for who you are." He spoke as tears streamed onto his white fur coat.  
  
Amy remained silent; for once since the incident she had heard him say anything like this. She didn't know he had thought of her like that under that mellow heart of his.  
  
"Drop the knife Amy." Tails demanded.  
  
The knife went to the floor immediately as Tails blink in surprise, thinking he would have had to keep telling her to drop it over and over til she gave in.  
  
Falling to the ground Amy buried her face in her hands sobbing loudly. Tails walked over to her as she unsuspectingly leaped forth and buried her face in his chest, sobbing once more.  
  
Tails didn't say a word. He pressed her calmly against his chest feeling her shiver and soak his thick fur coat as he patted her on the back.  
  
"Calm down Amy I do care for you and I don't want you to be like this." He replied sorrowfully.  
  
"I'm not sad Tails, these tears, I shed them for joy. I never knew about how deeply you did care for me. I guess you still are the same fox that I knew all those years ago." She sobbingly mumbled out.  
  
"I wish I was... but trying go back is not a choice. I've grown up so much that there is no time for me to turn back, life is already nearing an end with my age and a few more decades is all I have left. Amy, you can make it if you have the strong will of faith that I always have seen shine in those emerald eyes of yours." Tails mentioned, looking deep in her eyes.  
  
"They will Tails, as long as someone still needs me I shall not give up my life." She replied hugging the fox more tightly.  
  
Tails hugged back, his arms tightly wrapped around Amy's thin body. He for once felt more caring then he had in a few past years. He never had paid to much attention to his deeper thoughts and like anyone long forgot what had happened in the past. Raindrops always did send the sense of sadness and despair when he though of Amy crying. Yet not every tear a living being sheds is one of unhappiness, but quite the contrary when one is full of pure joy that they shed those tears.  
  
Tails on this day realized why he kept striving to live even when his true desire was to end it all. Even in the times of misery is there a will that keeps pushing one to live on and not surrender oneself to the hand of death.  
  
***  
  
"Dr. Sentimor, it appears once more it appears you have found no way to create an immunity for any type of person. All drugs have failed and even those deaf in the ears and those blind still go insane. Things cost money and these experiments are so far hard enough to get in track. So tell me this, why should I even continue to fund this project when we have yet to even make a breakthrough since each time we fail and are forced back into step one!" The General asked bitterly as he glared fiercely at the doctor.  
  
The general was in his mid fifties, short gray hair hidden under a lieutenant's cap, high dark green collared uniform with several medals decorating the vest like a Christmas tree. The scientist was the everyday white lab coated and black trouser dressed man, glasses and short hair. He was though dark skinned, but unlike some people, who coward when a superior yelled at them, he only sat calmly, taking a deep long sigh.  
  
"General Batimore I assure you we will make progress, we have already knowledge of how it takes over most of any species on the planet. Time is what is needed to find the flaw, please; I am begging you to keep this plan in funding. BESERKER is still active in those ruins of Robotropolis. The only other option is to get the only veteran of that conflict, the fox." The doctor replied calmly.  
  
The general remained silent, for so long had they went against the plan. The fox already was classified in many areas of mental illness and easily could go into emotional breakdown when reminded of the incident. Though their choices were limited to the choice of trying to create a being to carry out the task or go with the two tailed fox.  
  
"We already know why we shut down the Space Colony Ark. Gerald was mad to try and play god. We had no choice but to stop the project at any cost, even when it resulted in the deaths of innocent people working there. Creating a life form results only in disaster, a creature such as that lizard would eventually turn on all of humanity and eliminate us from existence, just because of its own idea. That was why the president ordered it be destroyed those fifty years ago, fear. We have no other choice but to get the fox to aid us in taking out that infernal machine. We are not going to nuke if for the sake of those living nearby, we have to find a way to destroy the core. That fox must know something about becoming immune to the beta waves it gives off. Sentimore, get the fox and find out all you can about what he knows." The general stated as he took a seat at his chair, glancing to the scientist who was nearly asleep.  
  
"Y-yes Sir. but won't it be 'taken against will' to just take the fox from where he stays? The public could get suspicious." Sentimore replied very uneasy at the idea.  
  
"For the sake of every person and mobian on this planet, we have no other alternative. We need his help. We must 'convince' him to help us. I don't care what means are used, just get him to talk." The General advised, as Sentimore stood, nodding to his superior, as he walked out of the room.  
  
"I don't like the idea, but there is no other choice. Tails must be captured if we are to get any idea of how to put an end to that device that has forsaken the land surrounding it." He thought, as he walked through the hallway.  
  
He didn't want to fall to such circumstances, but he was already running out of options.  
  
**************************************************************************** **********  
  
A nightmare I have for so long wanted to forget, for eight years it has haunted me over and over, never once has it slipped away from my mind. Once more does the hand of fate throw me into the darkness, forcing me to confront the one thing that I have for so long distanced myself from. Ever since that day of eight years ago, fate only brings me sadness and suffering.  
  
Next chapter: Confronting the past. 


	3. Confronting The Past

Finally the military took action, they came in during the night, apprehending both me and Amy. We were taken to a room with a few lampshades, with a general standing before us, grim faced as usual, even with the glasses over his eyes.  
  
"So you're the fox who survived BERSERKER?" He asked wanting with a grudging smile.  
  
"What's it to you." He spat back not liking the abduction.  
  
"We need your help, we need you to go inside and destroy it. That weapon is Pandora's Box and should never have been opened." The General claimed looking away.  
  
"How many did you send down to try to prevent it." Tails asked knowing it would be many.  
  
"Many, we tried to send down those who had disorders, mostly blind or deaf. They still failed, going insane and literally killing themselves right near the center. We covered it up best as we could, but we feel sorrow for it all. We send even mentally challenged people down to do a suicide job, but none even succeeded in making it to the core." The General stated regretfully.  
  
"Like it matters, retards are taking up enough space on the planet, better to just let them die then live their meaningless existence." Tails cruelly remarked.  
  
"Tails, how can you be so cold?" Amy said upset at his comment.  
  
"We need you to help; BERSEKER must be destroyed at all cost. You're the only one who can help us Tails." The General replied as she glanced still emotionless to the fox.  
  
"Tails suffered enough when he went there, he doesn't need more problems again." Amy yelled clenching her fists.  
  
"Has he... has he overcome the grief. I feel all you have done is distance him from it. He still seems brought down by it. His eyes show the scars of pain that swell within his heart. It haunts him time to time never wanting to release its grip from your mind." The General stated with a stern voice.  
  
Amy couldn't reply one look at the fox and all of what the General said was true. The pain still could be seen within the Kitsunes eyes, he still was filled with fear from all that had occurred. His head glanced to the ground with narrowed eyes, feeling more stricken by the words then anything.  
  
"Tails?"  
  
"He's right... I am still haunted by it." Tails admitted looking to Amy. "I tried to forget, but I can't. I lived only for you Amy and only to keep you happy. I have to face it Amy, I gotta go back and face the nightmare that still revives itself into my head. It's my fate to reface the nightmare and to fulfill the duty for the Freedom Fighters who died on that day. I know the device used, I just need parts to create it." He mentioned looking up with determination to the General.  
  
"I think that is not what is needed. Tails, you may not like what were about to do, but we need to see if there is something within you." The General said, as two guards grabbed the kitsune and dragged him off to a dark room, throwing him inside.  
  
"Tails!" Amy cried out, but was held back by two other guards, restraining her from following.  
  
"What the hells the big idea... Let me go you bastards!" He yelled pounding against the door.  
  
"We can't do that Tails, please understand we must find out just what effects the song we recorded will have on you." The General stated as he pressed a button, reading all signs of activity in the fox.  
  
"Bastards... using me like a guinea pig I see." Tails yelled banging against the door.  
  
Slowly came the song, the song that Tails only cringed as he heard the notes and the rhythm to it. It was the song that he heard in that area eight years ago. Tails covered his ears, not wanting to hear it, he knew what it did in that place so long ago, now it returned haunting him with images flashing of the murders, the memories that he only wished to forget.  
  
"NO... NO... I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER IT..." The images flashed through his head, the blood, the murder, the insanity, all the tragic events that befell the freedom fighters on that day.  
  
The military watched, recording every reading. A rapid deep beeping easily warned of unstable readings, something was already dwelling around Tails, an eerie aura of a golden shine, that seemed to be forming around, as he held his head, angrily.  
  
"What the hell's going on!?" The General demanded.  
  
"I'm not sure... all the others who we tested never had this reaction." The Scientist mentioned as he clicked through many radar readings, easily fascinated but panicking at the same time.  
  
Tails though already was falling to his knee's, unknowingly the song triggered something, but whatever it was, it was rudely awakened and now caused sheer pain throughout the body.  
  
"Shut the song off!?" The General demanded as he Scientist did so.  
  
Even with it off, the aura surrounding tails did not fade, it remained around his body. He fell down face flat to the floor, eyes closed but the aura of golden light still illuminated around him.  
  
"What... where am I?" Tails asked, but knew it as he glanced more around the area of metallic structuring.  
  
"No!... NOOOO..." Tails clenched his hand to a fist, but noticed something, he looked seeing himself the way he was years back.  
  
He changed since then, he grew taller since then, his fur still just as bushy, but not well groomed. At least not as good as it was when he was younger. He also had more build in muscles since that day. He knew he was more handsome when older, but he still felt he looked better when he was young. Perhaps it was the charming smile he held, his innocent blue eyes, and his ever so cheerful tone.  
  
Tails though didn't ponder to long on this; he noticed something far more dangerous, the overlander, the blond haired girl he saw, was right in front. Slowly she moved forth, merging within his body, but Tails noticed something else. Serpents... multi colored serpents with scaled bodies, but a face of a demon, teeth that were like piranhas, eyes a glowing ember of fire. They merged within his crew, the men going insane, while his younger self watched in horror.  
  
Yet, all seemed to happen more slower, time seemed to be shifted at that moment. He glanced around, taking a step forward. All seemed to be real, yet he was a ghost, watching all. It was only an image cast by an eye that one never could harness. Tails walked onward, as he ran through the tunnel, he saw more serpents merging with his friends, Antoine and Bunnie, both moving to one another and eventually Bunnie killed her lover, thrusting one hand into his chest, ripping his heart out and clenching it. She went down as someone shot her in the head with a pistol.  
  
"Those serpents... what the hell are they?" Tails asked himself, shaking his head at the incident.  
  
Tails walked onward finding more and more of the same thing, all going insane once the serpents went inside the bodies of his partners. All then went insane, and mindlessly slaughtered all who were around. It was a nightmare coming true.  
  
Tails finally saw something ahead, something more structured, a core perhaps, the main area where the main controls were. Running to the area, he found it, the main core, wires connected to several outputs and inputs, and the center of it all, a large sphere floating in the air. Yet Tails noticed something, a tear that seemed to be a part of his reality. Behind it a flickering of yellow light, and floating rocks. Limbo as some would call it. Serpents were flying out, and around, into the world.  
  
"So the serpents are from another dimension." Tails said staring at it.  
  
"Correct Miles "Tails" Prower."  
  
Tails turned to find the golden haired maiden. She was just as she appeared that very day, the same dress, the same face, and the same eyes.  
  
"What is all this... what are those serpents?" Tails asked, taking a deep breath.  
  
"Consciousness... they are the carnation of what you consider evil, living off of pain, sadness, anger, and all that is nothing but negative, as you put it." The girl said with a warm tone of voice.  
  
"So there beings of evil?" Tails asked still confused.  
  
"Once they were creatures like you, but like every civilization, they turned to war, and the effect of it was a wasteland you saw through the rift. Alas, they were more powerful when their consciousness became what you refer to as a spirit. They found a way to rip open a threat of their own world and cross into other worlds. They dwelled on hatred and vengeance, the loss of their own world was more then they could stand. Taking other dimensions, they began their terror, using mortals for their own vent of anger, they slaughtered one another. Yet I sealed them off, when they came to my world. I sealed each one back in and placed a more larger and heavily created barrier around the threads to prevent them from ever being torn open again. Yet the mad scientist's invention that was used only to create beta waves so intense that anyone that met with them would be driven mad."  
  
Tails nodded, all seemed clear, yet still, how did it all create the rift.  
  
"His invention though also caused a fluctuation in the barrier I had, the waves that began from the core caused a collapse in my magic and thus tore a hole in the within the threads." She mentioned.  
  
"Is there a way to stop it?" Tails asked very worried of all this.  
  
"The serpents cannot leave the area, that rift gives off the pure elements essential to their survival. It only gives enough of these elements to last them in a small space such as this area. However, it only can increase by a small amount. At most, it is around a yard per year."  
  
"So there's nothing to worry about, right?" Tails said feeling hope.  
  
"No Tails... you are the only one who can fulfill this task. Your know it is something you must confront." She mentioned as Tails looked to the ground.  
  
Tails now understood why he suffered so much, he regretted what he did in the past, and he let it overcome him. He knew what had to be done.  
  
"I shall... but please, guide me, I don't know how I survived this before... if you were the reason, I will need your help once more." He begged as he locked his gaze onto hers.  
  
"I shall..." She said fading away.  
  
***  
  
"Tails?... Tails!!" Amy yelled as the fox slowly opened his eyes glancing up at the General and at Amy.  
  
Tails groaned as he sat up, rubbing his head, glancing around the area.  
  
"Tails, what happened, do you have any idea what you just did?" The General demanded as Tails only shook his head.  
  
"Tails... are you sure you're okay?" Amy asked as she looked at him with concerned eyes.  
  
"I know what I must do Amy... I must face the past I ran from... that nightmare I will once more step into." He stated standing to his feet.  
  
"Tails no..." She begged already getting tear-eyed.  
  
"Amy I must. All that I've done is distance myself from that place. It is time I went back, it is time I refaced that past... I must confront it and this time, I will complete the mission. Then maybe things will return to normal." He said glancing to the smiling General.  
  
"How many hundred hours you need to prepare?" The General asked with his hands behind his back.  
  
"Give me twenty-four hundred hours." Tails replied with a thumb up.  
  
**************************************************************************** **********  
  
Next chapter  
  
Darkness... we fear it as a child because we don't what awaits in it. Even as we grow, we still fear it at sometimes. Stepping into the one I so long have avoided, the nightmare once more unsheathes its gruesome blade, and thrusts into my heart to spread the fear all throughout my body.  
  
Next chapter: Fear From Within.  
  
Authors Notes: It has been a while, but I have reasons. Anyway, I plan to still follow my policy, mostly not to write what I call 'quality' fics. I write to express my idea's, not for literary experience, so to those who bitch and demand revisions, your complaints are in vain, cause even if I do, what will I get from doing all that, just a few reviews. Woopi, I got reviews... seriously not amused. So to those who want to demand or suggest it, you're wasting time. 


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